Warning: This Essay Contains A Bunch Of Indigenous Nudity


I look around the globe and I see that the United States is a lot more disapproving of nudity than, say, Europe, where people walk around topless, or even less, on most, if not all, beaches, parks, something for which you’d get instantly arrested doing at every single beach or public place in the U.S.


I have no conclusive idea why nudity is more appropriate, widely accepted in Europe than the United States, though I like to fantasize Europeans, for the most part, have simply achieved a maturity about nudity, somehow, that allows them to obliviously ignore and leave a naked woman or man walking around on one of Europe’s many beaches alone, unharrassed in any way, rather than rape or arrest them like would instantaneously happen everytime in the United States.


I do know that the vast majority of United Statesers abhor public nudity for a number of brilliantly defined, specific reasons: (1) God decreed somewhere in the Bible that it is a sin to walk around on a public-beach even half-nude which will send one directly to Hell, (2) it is inappropriate for children to see adults walk around nude because it will cause them to wind-up degenerates in adulthood, and (3) if people walk around remotely nude they will be raped, there will be all sorts of sexual crimes committed because it’s impossible for all U.S.-citizens not to get instantly, magnum-force aroused and sexually-assault any remotely nude person they encounter.


In order to drive home my point about the nude-difference between Europe and the United States, I recall the rock-band Motley Crue coming to my deeply sexually-repressed, Deep South hometown when I was a teenager, and their drummer, Tommy Lee, was arrested for mooning, briefly exposing his ass to the audience, had to post $10,000 bail to get out of jail, and, needless to say, Motley Crue have never come back.


Tommy Lee was arrested under one of my town’s numerous public-decency/behavior laws, but I wonder what crime he actually, in reality, committed?


I saw Tommy Lee’s bony ass that night, along with ten-thousand other people, it didn’t arouse me in any way, it didn’t get me all sexually charged-up and make me want to rape him, or run through the streets naked, moon people, embark on a life of crime, sexual or otherwise.


The only effect Tommy Lee’s momentarily naked ass had on me, and I think a large majority of the crowd, was humor, most of the 10-thousand of us laughed, though I’m sure a number of the ladies, and perhaps some of the guys, thought him very sexy.


In fact, I say the only reason I remember Tommy Lee mooning the audience that night, so many years later, is all the attention his subsequent arrest got in the local television and print news-media.


I wager that if Mr. Lee had not been arrested, if no attention had been paid to that particular antic of his, most would not even remember he’d done that, but, as it stands, I promise you that everytime I, for instance, and some friends start to reminisce about concerts we’ve been to over the years, that Motley Crue show from decades ago comes-up and the first thing out of everyone’s mouth is: remember the idiots arresting Tommy Lee for mooning the audience and making him post 10-grand in bail to get out of the county-pokey?


That’s why established rock-and-roll acts won’t come to my town anymore: our local government interferes with their shows too much, usually impinges their right to speak and express themselves freely.


What’s even more amazing to me about the differences between the world’s many countries, when it comes to nudity, I was watching a documentary on a Brazilian tribe recently that was very funny because the show’s editors had blurred-out the totally naked natives’ naughty bits, so that whenever there was a line of tribes-people there was also an accompanying line of funny blur-dots at pelvic and chest level.


Isn’t it interesting that this “primitive people” is more mature and grown-up about nakedness than almost everyone in the U.S.?


None of the tribe was running around making jokes about how anyone in the tribe looked physically, none of the guys were making fun of any of the other guys for having small penises, none of the women were making breast-jokes about any of the other women.


This indigenous tribe of naked Brazilian people seemed, in fact, to have absolutely none of the taboos and subsequent problems we in the United States imagine will arise from people being allowed to run around naked.


The Brazilian tribes-people obviously weren’t running absolutely amok raping, sexually-assaulting each other on a constant basis, and I didn’t notice a single child that seemed to be growing-up into a sexual-degenerate because there was nothing but constant naked flesh everywhere in the village he or she could possibly look.


Ironically, this “primitive” village seemed to be large in number, exuberantly healthy and happy, at least as much as anywhere I’ve seen in the fully-clothed, insanely more sexually-repressed United States.


Indeed, it’s all so totally, fantastically amazing and ironic to me, I personally spend so much time wondering why such an overwhelming majority of people in the U.S. are so totally opposed to even the remotest flashes of nudity in public, where even apparently a quick, playful mooning could land you in jail.


And I realize I’m opposite-thinking (thus alone) from everyone else in this country in that, for me, a height of maturity is knowing nudity could be and, in fact, is, not a big deal in the slightest, and that we could care a lot less whether the people around us are naked or not with at the exact same time everything in our country functioning for better or worse as well as it always has.


In the end, I’m not surprised at all that Europe is so much more relaxed, thus mature, in its wonderful, positive, pro-nudity-YES! attitude, public or otherwise; notwithstanding, if my belief that there is absolutely nothing wrong with nudity, no shame in it, is indeed a sign of great maturity, my mind is absolutely blown to have seemingly discovered the greatest maturity of all…in one of the most primitive (stone-age, really) tribes of the sad few left on this potentially great planet.


Thanks for letting me poison you.


This olde toad wrote this essay in nothing more than its wrinkly and rumpled, poisonous olde birthday-suit, does that make you horny, baby? and-or should I be thrown in jail for being lewd?


It’s funny, jail is another place I’m sure they wouldn’t at all mind seeing me naked.


So, I could be with my own mature, naked kind in Europe, a remote Brazilian tribal-village, or…prison, in the United States, the immense beacon of light, the great “shining-path of progress for the rest of the world”. Great.